How I love the
ocean.
When I was young
my mother would pack a lunch and us kids up in the car and drive from Boston to
Gloucester, Massachusetts on Sunday afternoons. Mom had wanderlust so for her
gazing out at the ocean meant imagining infinite possible places to land. I
must have inherited my love of the sea from her. She’d park along the shore road so we could
get out and walk. The shoreline in Gloucester is always glorious and the air is
salty and brisk, no matter the season. I loved running along, challenging the
grey water and annoying the fisherman from the enormous rocks at the edge of
the water.
When Bill and I
were dating and had money to burn, we vacationed in Nassau in the Bahamas. We
went to nighttime barbeques hosted by hotels on the beach where we danced in
the sand under colored lights strung from poles. In the daytime we rode horses in the blue
waves and white foam of the tide. We lay in the sun holding each other. For us,
the beach was romance.
After we married
and had children, Newport R.I. became our family getaway spot. It was only an
hour and a half from our home so it was easy for us to go there on daytrips to
swim and enjoy the seaside. When the kids were in elementary school we spent
their spring vacation weeks there. We’d get a time-share right on the water
where I’d stare at the yachts on the horizon late at night, relaxing and losing
myself in the their rocking on the waves.
The ocean has
always been one of my best friends. Right now I’m sitting on a different beach
looking out at another lovely ocean view. I thought coming here to Cancun would
be good for me. I thought seeing the sun and the ocean in a different place would
rejuvenate me. I bought an e-reader so I could read on the beach. It’s supposed
to symbolize that I recognize my vacations have to have a new take on an old
theme. I feel foolish using it though. It doesn’t make me less of an old woman
sitting alone, passing the time.
I know I should be
grateful that I have memories but I miss those good times on the water and I
miss everyone so much. Mom and Bill are gone. The kids aren’t kids anymore and
they’re off making their own memories. It’s a gloriously sunny day and I’m sitting
here watching plucky seagulls hop across the sand but Bill isn’t here to make
jokes about them. I see children up the shoreline playing in the surf and I
wish they were mine. The beauty here seems cruel because I don’t have anyone to
share it with.
It’s such a beautiful
day and I’m here wrapped up in my sarong and my own arms. But this is my “new
normal” as my therapist calls it. It’s my new reality and I’ll have to get used
to it. So I’ll be taking a walk along
the beach, leaving a single set of footprints behind me.