"There, There" and "Here" - Kerry Smith McKenna

There, There

Because. 

I wanted to.

Because I tried to prove that I could.

Because I had something to offer

Because I was unbeatable. 

Because I was newly divorced.

Because I needed something to do.

Because my father had died.

Because I needed a rest.

Because it was about damn time.

Because I had turned 41.

Because I told everyone I would.

Because I was afraid of it.

Because I knew my mom was rooting for me.

Because my sister had done as much.

Because I had been burnt out, but flush.

Because my dreams would not let me be.

So, I went there.

I loved it there, I felt comfortable there,

I made friends there,

just like I thought I would.

I was riding the Universal support

I made hard choices and 

I was myself.

I wrote like a mad woman.

I found the nooks and crannies

I cried a lot of purging tears

I was healed over and over

And then, knowing I would be,

I was ejected from there.

I have proven nothing.

I am another year older. 

I am neither rested nor at peace

I grieve.

I am no longer flush

I do not easily trust

These weren't the lessons I bargained for

I am no better off, nor worse.

I am full of myself, and do not like it.

I consider the consequences, but cannot change them.

I do not know what I see

But I no longer look over there

My dreams have left me at last.

Here

I am here. This is no small feat.

I have worked to get here. 

I have scratched the backs.

I have tricked my mind, twisted the words,

made a fool of myself repeatedly.

I have even felt like a slave to my own ambition

To have escaped here

I have carefully lost my way

again and again

cooked the wrong ingredients together

rode in the wrong cars with boys

Made a mad rush to undress

Made myself sick from espresso

and turned from it, too, from the canal side

Turned from the tracks,

Turned for support

went down streets with falling-down houses

hanged empty window frames for art

Where are all the people?

I tap dance for them in hot bulb sleep

I beg, I'm eager.

You felt me once, did you not?

I longed to be here over everything

Here gets you everywhere...

I sit here in the sun on a bench, seek

refuge under the black awning tomorrow

while braver souls walk by wetly

others clouded in perfume.

They seem to know who they are

but not where, for they don't see me.

I am here.

I pay dearly to get here.

I crammed myself in the luggage rack

I skirted the English language menu

I am here.

I should be only here

on the brick street, clinging to the spit,

grateful for the reality.

I should have been prepared

I should never have taken advantage

I should learn not to fear the bike

I should speak up

I should upgrade from trial-sized

I should embrace the consequences

Because I am here--I can't deny it.

Here to be continued.